Today … Today I come humble and broken and just with my eyes closed (sitting down of course) with tears behind them and my arms open wide. Because today I am humbled by two realizations …
First … This … This whole blog thing, this is so not me … I mean I seriously don’t know where these thoughts come from or how I even start words that end up leading to a “blog post” It’s really quite amazing when I think about it. I told my therapist that same thing last week and she immediately said … “It’s the Holy Spirit.” And I smiled and didn’t think much about it then but this morning was like Duh Andrea it’s totally the Holy Spirit speaking through me. It surprised me when I finally realized or pondered it long enough I guess. But it is and it’s right and it’s timely and it’s coming at a time when I am the most broken, the most quiet, the most humble. The Lord has literally stripped me of all my securities all my me things that I used to rely on. This this whole thing, I can not take credit for … It’s totally God and the Holy Spirit.
And … Second I have been praying so hard so so hard for like months right, for God to show up … “God I can’t ever hear you or see you please why do you give others that and not me? Where are you, aren’t I doing everything right? I mean I pray, I read, I started going back to church, I go to therapy to work through things, come on where are you?” And then I was reading quietly this morning on one couch and and so was Danny on the other couch and usually we just do that quietly then pray and he starts his day but today he stopped and he pointed out 1Kings19 to me. He wanted to point Elijah and the depression and despair he encountered and dealt with it But it was later in the story that caught my attention. Elijah was hiding in a cave and the Lord wants to talk to him so he instructs him “go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by.” And so here comes a great and powerful wind that tore mountains apart and shattered rocks and so Elijah was like yeah surely the Lord is in that “but the Lord was not in the wind” then after comes an earthquake “but the Lord was not in that earthquake either, so after the earthquake comes a fire and so Elijah’s like he must be in the fire, “but the Lord was not in the fire.” It wasn’t until after all those great and powerful things that the Lord showed up to Elijah … In a gentle whisper. And so Danny and I are talking about that and how we expect to see God in this big way or in these big things but really that’s not always the case. And so it just hit me how many times this week and probably in the weeks prior, you know those weeks when I was too busy running, or looking on us weekly, or doing errands, or all those other time filler things I did when I was heathy and able … How many times was the Lord gently whispering to me, but I was too busy to here Him. Too busy to here the Lord. I mean that just hits me in the gut. All those alone times I felt, maybe I just wasn’t quiet enough to here the gentle whisper of The Lord. Good gosh Andrea. I mean really it just makes me shake my head and remember john piper in the though you slay me song I spoke about a couple days ago … When he says … “Not only is your affliction momentary, not only is all your affliction light in comparison to eternity and the glory there But all if it is totally meaningful. Every millisecond of your pain, from the fallen nature or fallen man, every millisecond of your misery in the path of obedience is producing a peculiar glory you will get because of that.” And in that I am brought hope that even when I am crying and I’m not sure why or having a difficult moment or I’m just down or feel like hiding … I can come back to the though you slay me song with the words of John Piper in it and I am brought back to the truth that God does not always speak to us in loud obvious ways … But in gentle whispers … And every happy or trying or together or alone time that we are enduring is totally meaningful.
And I think there is a third thing that I have realized today after writing the two things above … The Holy Spirit is helping me write these things, these blog posts for you but oh soooo much for me too. Because you and I are going to need these to look back on, we will we don’t know what tomorrow will bring. It could be a good day, a bad day, a cry for no reason day, a whisper gently day or a great thunder day … But whatever day it is I pray that I’ll remember the truth that this day hurtful or joyful is totally totally meaningful.