What do you do when your weary, have heavy things on your mind, have tears behind there … You know what I do ? I clean … Ha. Weird I know. Its more like just keep myself busy doing whatever I can trying not to confront the things in there, in my head. So after running around the house looking like a mad woman and vacuuming the house, putting away laundry, taking out the trash, and a few other things, I think I am ready to ponder, what is in this head of mine today.
I woke up his morning weary, tired, worn out. After a late night the night before, I got the kids out of school early to go to the Milligan baseball game – yep I’m the cool mom- then it was so hot … The kids were hot and didn’t really act very well, they couldn’t find shade to play in and we’re tired from the night before, then the game just flat out “vacuumed” and we lost, then I didn’t get to talk to Danny after and that sent my emotions into a bad place and it just comilated into a rough emotional day. Then I had to wake up early this morning to go to my final test before we have our follow up with the neurologist. Which this test, I know why they do it on another specific day instead of on your first visit with all the other tests … Cause it vacuums too and hurts. So I’m laying there … It’s hurting … The physician has third day playing … It plays children of God twice and then A couple other good songs and when we get to the most painful part of starts playing I trust in Jesus … Here is the chorus … The part when I begin to fight back the tears
- Trust in Jesus
- My great Deliverer
- My strong Defender
- The Son of God
- I trust in Jesus
- Blessed Redeemer
- My Lord forever
- The Holy One, the Holy One
And then the test is over … I can barely make it to the waiting room. Danny and his mom are there and follow me outside and into the car and I just lost it. while crying I tell him everything about how what the test was, that he said it looked good!…that it hurt … That he played third day during it and what songs he played … And how I’m just so tired. Worn out. Weary. But as I’m saying that all that stuff about me…me…me, in looking back on that I then realized that God was whispering to me on there. Even when I’m ready to give up, he sent a whisper reminding me to lean in, to hang on.
Honestly you all I’m just tired of the testing. Tired of the unknown. Tired of the pain. Tired of not being able to run. Tired of googling whether or not I can eat that … Does it have Gluten…dairy…folic acid…is it processed…is it organic …it’s work and it’s making me weary. But even in that weariness the lord renewed my spirit today and it’s gonna be ok. I can be tired and weary and worn because the Lord reminded me he loves me anyway. He whispered today while I was laying there hurting physically and emotionally that he has got me. That even when I’m mad and losing trust or growing more and more weary he’s got me.
Maybe trusting in Him isn’t about having this happy face all the time and living just carefree … Cause Gods got this, he’s got me. It’s hard to feel that all the time. Especially in trials. It’s not about like a constant trust. Maybe trusting in Him especially in the hard times, the long roads is about choosing to trust through our tears, though the blank spaces, the pain. Choosing to trust even when we are broken and we cry out asking for a little more strength from him, that’s showing trust. That’s building trust. Maybe it’s when we survey all that he’s done, where he’s brought us from, how he’s provided before … And when we are able to step back and recognize and proclaim and see that, that’s trust. If we can’t see those things trust can’t happen. We can’t be discouraged because we are weary or because we are tired or because why in the world are we having to deal with another earthly thing when we feel like we don’t even have a grip on what’s happening now … We can’t get discouraged, because when we do we can’t choose trust. Well maybe we can get discouraged, yeah I know we can we just have to at the same time, within that discouragement remember to choose trust Maybe like joy, trust is about choosing trust. Even when we are broken, and crying and we look a mess and we don’t know why we are crying because the answer is we choose trust, that’s ok. Joy just like trust doesn’t have to be pretty or perfect. Maybe I’m not making any sense at all, idk I think I’m rambling.
So anyways all that to say to you in the midst of a rough couple of days I am choose trust, even if I do look a mess, and sound a mess 😋I am going to work hard to not only choose Joy today but to Choose to trust. “Now