Have you ever wondered … Why can’t I just feel that good again … Why did this happen to me … I just want to feel good … Feel happy … Feel strong … Feel alive … I don’t understand? If you have, your not alone. Sometimes I fall back on these questions a lot. The why me questions.
The day before and the day that I got sick I remember and even said to Danny … “I feel good. This is the best I’ve ever felt.” Those words haunt me now. I had been in counseling and during it my depression kinda hit rock bottom. So we had tried something new, then added something else with it and I had never felt better. Mentally, physically and emotionally. I felt good. Then bam!! This sickness thingy hit. And it hasn’t been the same since. March 19th. Was the day to be exact.
Everything changed that day. Everything took effort … Everything made us weary … Everything was complicated, hard, quiet, demanding. Surely this will pass is what we thought, I’m a heathy person, I’ll get better quickly. We all thought. Kinda like the flu, it will run its course then it will be something we just look back on and say gosh that was awful. We thought this is something that I’ll get over and go back to running and working out and working and driving, no problem. Nope. None of that has come back yet and we are almost 3 months out. And it still feels like there is more time to go before i can say … Yes I feel better.
Almost makes me feel like saying … What’s the point … What’s the point in feeing the best I ever felt on that day … You know? Feels almost like a slap in the face. A haha. But there’s gotta be a point. There’s gotta be a point for everything. Right? I mean then what are we living for? One of the points is maybe so I can remember that day and work hard to get back to it. Gives me something to strive for. Maybe that day and this journey is so I can encourage you… Maybe it’s God forcing me to sit down shut up and be still. To hear his whispers and not the whispers of this world. Maybe even though it hurts deep when my kids say … “I’m sorry your having a hard time mom, I won’t bother you again” or “when will you be better mom, like you used to be, and not sleep so much and be able to drive” maybe this is to show them big people can hurt, we do get sick, but sometimes to get better it’s a long process, a process that involves God, a lot of God to get us through. Without this sickness crap I don’t think they would get that.
I don’t know when this journey/season is gonna start leaning toward the feeling good side. I don’t. No doctor even does. But God does. I may never be back to that day that I felt the best. But I think that’s ok. I can deal with that. I have that day to remember. To keep working toward, to look back on and smile at. And I have new better/best days to work toward and to make. No matter how long it takes.
So those questions … All those questions that we all have. Your not alone. But I heard something this week. Maybe instead of asking the “why” questions we should ask the “who”… Stop looking inward or downward in the why but upward in the who … Upward meaning towards the Lord…
This is from the book Wonderstruck by Margaret Feinberg … The same woman who wrote fight back with joy. It just kinda convicted me this week and when we were at the doctor I remembered it again.
It’s hard, the not saying why. Not being like not another thing Lord. When is enough enough. so yeah it’s hard not saying those why questions but I believe it’s doable. Hard but doable. I personally have to actively work all day everyday, some days more then others to not say that why inward downward word… Why but to instead say the outward upward word … who. Even if it’s through tears, it’s doable. We can do it. You can do it. I can do it. Fight for our feeing good, your best me. And remember, your not alone.
Here are the two books i love and talk a lot about. I have read the first one!! Loved it so much. I’m currently reading the second one. It’s really good too. If your looking for a good read … These are it!! 🎈🎈
Fight Back With Joy: Celebrate More. Regret Less. Stare Down Your Greatest Fears. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1617950890/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_eSWzvb0YBQ98H
Wonderstruck: Awaken to the Nearness of God https://www.amazon.com/dp/1617950882/ref=cm_sw_r_awd_CUWzvb10BJ8J2