So …. So …. I don’t think I have updated you all on the plan as of now, health wise. Basic game plan entails … Start a baby aspirin a day due to cardiovascular disease and stroke risk related to the MTHFR gene mutation I have. Follow up carotid and cerebral ultrasounds every 6 months for 2 years then every year for 3 years then every 3-5 years. My initial ones were as we in the medical world call them “with in normal limits” but they did show disease, which isn’t good. No to any depression medicine for another 6 weeks. Even though I had been free of anything for a week when I followed up with him it wasn’t enough I need at least 6 to allow my brain to rest and recover. Also continue the dizzy medicine for 6-12 months. That is realistically how long it is going to take me to start to feel like myself. To not turn my head or look up or down or behind me without getting dizzy, to not get the back of my head headaches, to not feel weak and tired and foggy brained, to be able to drive again.
That wasn’t what I expected to hear at all … I expected to begin to wean off the dizzy meds … Start back on something for depression so I can begin to live again, and then maybe in a couple weeks start back to work slowly. What I got was a 6-12 months realistically before you have recovered or healed the way your brain should. That’s not what I wanted to hear. I didn’t want to hear this journey was gonna take longer. I didn’t want to hear I would have to endure more pain. I didn’t want to hear this life was gonna take a possibly 6-12 more months of work, because that what this daily life feels like … Work. Work to get up, work to get dressed, work to entertain the kids…help them have a good day, work to be patient, work to smile, work to feel good, work work work for me and especially for Danny who has stood by me this entire time. I didn’t want to hear any of it. I am tired of it.
But reality is I did hear it. I heard it all and now what? Sit here and feel it. Feel it all. The pain, the hurt, the silence, hear the questions, wait out the process, the plan, ok … Ok. Like I told the neuro guy no I don’t want to wait another 6 weeks for any medicine but if I have to I will. And I mean I want to feel better, I want to heal and if that’s the best way to do it I will. I will tough this freakin thing out. And I am … And it’s freakin tough too.
So I was looking back in my journal just now and I found this … Or I should say God whispered to me to open my journal and this is what I found …
And it just really encouraged me. I’ve said it before but God is after my heart … My whole heart. Matthew 22:37 ” Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.” “Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God.” Matthew 5:8 “for where your treasure is there your heart will be also.” Matthew 6:21. I feel like what I wrote above is saying set your heart on the things not of this world. When they are of the world your mind lies to you, and torments you, and makes your never get out of bed, and makes life work. But when we set our hearts on God, on His word, we can live a life of joy, of encouragement, of hope. It’s not easy. It takes work as well but when we do it with our heart and not with our mind I think we can hear those whispers from God easier. I can at least.
Before I wrote this Danny – my rock – helped me get out of bed, and then helped me see how my mind was telling me the world and my life and my circumstances were one thing but my heart, my heart that is rooted in Him says different. It says He is here shepparding me in this journey, He loves me, He cares about me, He is taking care of me, He isn’t confused about what’s next, He is bigger way bigger then this struggle and pain and trial I am in right now, He is with me right right RIGHT now!!! Sometimes we have to stop hiding our brokenness but shine God light on it so we can take our darkness, the darkness we feel and allow him to turn it into light!
It reminds me again if the gungor song beautiful things … “All this pain … I wonder if I’ll ever find my way … I wonder if my life (my mind, this trial) will ever really change at all, all this earth, could all that is lost ever be found (me could I be found, I picture just being in the desert in the valley just with our arms open wide-someone find me),could a garden come up from this ground (this dirty, barren, dusty ground) at all…..(But You Lord) You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust, you make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us (out of me, out of you, even when we think it’s impossible-He is already doing it-making us beautiful). All around, Hope is springing up from this old ground(this old broken ground, this old broken me) out of chaos life is being found (and refound, and remembered, and your grace is so big that even when we forget or lose track you help us lean back into you Lord)in you. You (Lord) make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust, you make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of us!!!!
He is working even when we don’t feel it. Even when we are giving up, He isn’t. He never will!!