So let’s be real … Let me be real with you for a moment … today … July 8th … is 6 weeks after my neurologist follow up … The day that I was suppose to get to that would allow my brain to rest before I could start an antidepressant again. If I choose to start again. So here it is … Today… July 8th.
I’ve been praying about this day for more then 6 weeks … Since March 19th to be exact. Praying I would get through it, praying for Gods strength and grace but also praying that maybe … possibly we would get to this day and feel like I didn’t need anything for depression.
I wasn’t really sure what that would look like but Danny and I were open to that idea. Kinda excited even to not have to take another med. But this day came and just like all the days prior it was a battle. Hours are battles. And I found myself back in bed … just laying there. Danny was at his office, I had made the kids lunch and then put a movie on for them and then went back to bed…and then after about an hour or so I heard a whisper to call my dr and remind her that today was July 8th and today after lots of rest, thoughts, prayers and trying to be strong and beat this thing it was time to ask for help. And so I did.
You see sometimes it’s not about how you look when you go out and see others its how you are behind your front door. When your alone. You see sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you try. Try to trust … Try to believe … To have hope … Try to put on that face … To to be strong and over come on your own with your rock and your rock rock and your family… Try to will yourself happy or joyful or not in your head or not to cry over everything or to see the good side of things or to try and not have life be such a battle but sometimes the trying isn’t enough. Sometimes you need help. You deserve help. You know that right … You deserve help. Your family deserves you to seek help.
My kids don’t complain but it’s been agonizing watching them watch me battle these last 4 months. Agonizing. And I’m not saying getting back on a med is gonna be the answer to all my brokenness, all my hurt, my pain, their pain but I think with continued prayer, continued perseverance and trying all those things I mentioned above, and especially with the grace of God it may just be enough to help me get back to feeling better. To help me have fun again and love hard and long and strong like my husband and kids deserve and to be brave and joyful … To be able to choose joy 🎈 I don’t believe it’s being weak or not letting God do his thing, God has helped make that clear to me. This isn’t part of giving up or giving in either. This is part of my fight … My fight against this whole thing … All of it … That’s just me and what I believe and what I’ve realized I deserve … to give it a try, to keep fighting … And they deserve for me to give it a try and so I will.
*yes this post may be revealing but I think it may help someone see that they deserve help as well. The battle of life is hard enough let alone having this battle in your head going on at the same time. One of the many things this time has taught me is how to be real with myself and in that realize that we need real to be able to help and heel and learn from each other. Maybe in each others real ness we will find strength. Here’s my real