Be still …
Be still … Easy to say … Hard to do, right?! It is for me. You see when I get down or hurt, depressed or anxious, when I’m uncomfortable or feel out of place … I get busy. Like hyper just drank 5 cups of coffee busy. I clean … I vaccum, I do the dishes, I dust – you name it I do it, I do and fold laundry, I go for a long run, I pack lunches early, I read, I listen to podcast I just keep going and going and going … Avoiding feeling my true feelings about something or confronting what’s really going on in my head.
My rock (Danny) pointed it out to me last night that I was in one of those times again. And I feel like it’s not entirely all my fault … Ha … That’s so silly to say because I do have the ability to believe and do and say and think whatever I want so I need to own it. I was gonna say it’s this time of year – it just feels busier, I feel the weight of the days being shorter and getting all I need to get done in them done. I feel all the people and cars and noise around me, I can feel it.
And if I am completely honest with you … Like I’ve always been … another thing I am feeling yet trying to avoid dealing with by staying busy is how I physically feel, like how I feel about my body. I have always struggled with my body image, always. I weigh more then people think and that high number gets in my head and threatens to destroy me. When I went to the doctor in October with Danny I was in the 140’s and he could see that it made me get stop and get in my head. I told him then shaking my head and convincing myself “I’m ok with the 140’s, but listen I’m not ok with the 150’s and the 130’s is really where I really want to be.” And so here we go back to the dr again and my weight was 10 lbs higher then the four weeks earlier when I was there, so of course my mind started racing. I hadn’t stopped working out or stopped eating well so what’s the deal? I tried to look past it but I have started to feel like my body was getting bigger. I never weigh myself, I can’t handle that, it’s just bad for me, but I do know how I feel in my body and I wasn’t feeling good. I called the doctor to check to see if it’s a side effect of one of my new meds, which it can be but she wanted me to start tracking my food intake as well as my exercise for 2 weeks.
So now in my head I’ve got this time of year … This not feeling good in my body thing and having to write all my food intake and exercise down thing and this change in meds thing and how it’s affectin me thing and trying to do things to help me sleep at night thing … Blah blah blah it just is a lot. And when things get to be a lot I get busy avoiding all those painful hard reality feelings or conversation things. It’s just what I do.
I do anything but be still! I do the opposite actually and thankfully my rock pointed it out to me last night … I can see that now. I couldn’t see it before but I can now. And I don’t want to be that way. I don’t want to miss this season of Advent. This season of preparing for the coming of our king. I don’t want to fly past Christmas without feeling all its good parts. The kids smiles and laughters and anticipation and the joy in their eyes. Look at them …
I mean … They are just best!! I don’t want to push all these feelings and hurts to the back of my mind and be irritable and grumpy and numb to what’s going on and happening around me because I know if I do that it will just compound and compound and compound until one day I just can’t take it anymore and it debilitates me. Shew!!
Being still in this busy season is hard. I can’t do it … we can’t do it alone. We must be honest with ourselves and do the hard work to be still … Exodus 14:14 says …”The Lord will fight for us, we need only be still.” The lord will fight for us, He is fighting for us!! I am praying that truth and the truth of psalm 46:10 today “Be still and know that I am God.” When we can remember, when I can remember these truths being still seems to get a little easier … It’s not as heavy … It’s not as lonely cause we arent alone in this fight … Our God is fighting for us and you know what?? He’s already won this battle for us…the cross proves that. Praying for stillness in your life friends … Stillness and joy … Praying we can find joy … Spread joy … Feel joy. 🎈