when is enough,       enough … 

I am sitting in the car … Tired, worn out, frustrated, to the point where I literally don’t know what to do next or where to turn next. 

I received good news this morning … via email that my vision test was normal. But my MRI results would not be able to be compared till the middle of next week and at that time my dr will then be leaving out of town so I will need to contact the office the beginning of February with what to do next. 

And all I want to do is scream are you freaking kidding me through the email and have it hit the recipient right in the flippin face!!! 

My chin is quivering, my face is flushed, I feel like I could hurl, my armpits are sweating even though it’s freezing outside, I am so very worked up. 

Doesn’t he know what we have been through for almost a year now? Why is this so hard? I mean … (These are all the things racing through my mind) … What do we have to do? I don’t understand … I mean lets be honest, call the office the beginning of February realistically we may have an answer by the end of February. Let’s not fool ourselves any more. We were suppose to have an answer regarding the MRI’s yesterday!!! Why God? Why? All this waiting Lord, this suffering … What are we doing wrong? Don’t you love me … My family … My kids???!!! 

MS is scarey but at least it’s a diagnosis you know? At least people wouldn’t look at me with judgemental eyes when I say I haven’t worked in almost a year and I might wake up tomorrow and not be able to get out of bed and walking up stairs makes my legs feel so tired I can barely pick them up and no I don’t really drive cause it strains my eyes gives me a headache and when I look back and forth I get dizzy. At least they could have something concrete something that may make all this ish I am dealing with daily a little more believable. 

As I am writing this Third Day Mountain of God just came on the radio but I’m not ready to hear a whisper yet … You know? I can’t calm down yet. It’s not fair don’t try to reel me back in Lord let me have my poor me, I can’t take this anymore moment. Why can’t I at least have that moment? 

But He keeps persisting … He loves me that much. So much that a section from Angie Smiths book is repeating over and over in my head … “My God is the same God as He was the minute before I received that call as He is right now and He will be the same God tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.” Nothing about His nature changes, whether it is storming or bright. Our response should be the same, no matter the circumstances. Whether at a driveway lemonade stand or a funeral, He is still the same God. He is worthy of our praise at both, regardless of what it feels like. He has a plan that we can’t see, and sometimes the best thing we can do is simply ask Him to extend His mercy as we walk in blindness. In order to do this though, we have to trust that He is in control and that He is trustworthy. My job is to walk in obedience always seeking His will.” 

Yeah I know … It’s a lot, her book is really good and God obviously had me read it at this time in my life for a reason. But I struggle with where trusting He is in control begins and ends. Like just trust Him … Just trust. 

We thought we were doing that and then more waiting. We thought we were getting somewhere … Then more waiting, we thought, we thought, we thought!!! 
So I pray for the Lord mercy, for the Lords guidance, His comfort, His grace, His will to keep going because that’s all I know to do right now. He has gotten us this far and I can’t do this without Him. We can’t do this alone. 

Pray with me friends. Pray He meets us today in our questions and waiting. Im praying for you as well. We aren’t the only ones enduring a season of whys, worries and waiting so know we are praying for you as you read this today.  

  • Mountain of God by Third Day
  • Thought that I was all alone 
  • Broken and afraid 
  • But You were there with me 
  • Yes, You were there with me 
  • And I didn’t even know 
  • That I had lost my way 
  • But You were there with me 
  • Yes, You were there with me 
  • ‘Til You opened up my eyes 
  • I never knew 
  • That I couldn’t ever make it 
  • Without You 
  • Even though the journey’s long 
  • And I know the road is hard 
  • Well, the One who’s gone before me 
  • He will help me carry on 
  • After all that I’ve been through 
  • Now I realize the truth 
  • That I must go through the valley 
  • To stand upon the mountain of God 
  • As I travel on the road 
  • That You have lead me down 
  • You are here with me 
  • Yes, You are here with me 
  • I have need for nothing more 
  • Oh, now that I have found 
  • That You are here with me 
  • Yes, You are here with me 
  • I confess from time to time 
  • I lose my way 
  • But You are always there 
  • To bring me back again 
  • Sometimes I think of where it is I’ve come from 
  • And the things I’ve left behind 
  • But of all I’ve had, what I possessed 
  • Nothing can quite compare 
  • With what’s in front of me 
  • With what’s in front of me
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