Being drug through the mud… That’s what I feel like this journey of sickness has turned into.
Maybe it feels like that because it’s been so snowy and rainy and without sunshine for the last month or so that the gravel road that we live on has been literally been nothing but a muddy mess. I mean it could be that, I don’t know … but it’s hard.
Hard and painful and gut retching and migraine inducing and tear duct drying and gosh so many hard awful things.
And in the beginning of this I would and literally was on the floor in the fetal position in our bedroom unable to hear anything good in there, my head.
I would stay there when Danny left for work … Only getting up when he came home for lunch … Then again when he came home to pick me up to go get the kids from school.
I couldn’t handle one more thing. I just couldn’t.
I didn’t see the good, I didn’t understand the pain, I didn’t understand why every single minute of every single day had to be such a freakin fight.
And now, today I still don’t understand why it has to be a fight, why we have to feel the pain, why we have to be drug in the freezing cold mud, why … Why … Why.
But now, even though I cry and get quiet and hurt, I have this whisper…this constant whisper that is reminding me that He is only good.
This is not meaningless. It’s totally meaningful. Every millisecond of my pain is doing something. Every single bit of it.
He isn’t dragging me through the mud because He doesn’t love me, I know His love now. I don’t see these hurdles we are constantly having to climb limb by limb as ways He doesn’t care or love me or us anymore. I’m not allowing the enemy to convince me of that any longer. He’s not gonna win that battle.
Every pain and hurt and ache and scrape and tear and inability to go on He has felt. He has endured every one and more. And even in enduring all that He still chose to die on a cross to prove His love for me. I know and I see that and I feel it now.
But even in knowing and feeling that it doesn’t mean it won’t hurt because reality is it does, it will and it may hurt for a long time. But thankfully we are on the part of this journey now that we can raise our hands in praise even in the midst of pain because we know and believe that He is only good and He is always with us.
Freezing cold mud or no mud His love and His truths remain the same.
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33