unafraid … 

I’ve had my eye on this book since we moved last summer. And I just recently splurged and bought it and I don’t for one second believe that it was by accident.

You see it’s about living life unafraid. Trusting in the Lord whole heartedly. Not living life paralyzed by fear and consumed by control. 

I had a day about a week or so ago that I felt such fear and anxiety and lack of control over this life I was living. How am I suppose to live this place, here in VA, in the exact house that I was bitten by the tick? How can I feel safe here? How am I supposed to let my kids go outside and play? Or let my husband hunt? What if this treatment doesn’t work? What if my symptoms come back and we have to pay out of pocket for more treatment? What if I never get back to doing the things I loved? And so on … And so on … And on that day I ordered the Unafraid book. Enough delaying.  

 And so I finished the book I was reading and started the new one once it came and it didn’t really make sense, the timing of reading the book really until yesterday. 

We walked into the Drs office yesterday just for a check up. To see how I was progressing, check my PICC line and my labs then come back again on the 4th after my last day of treatment but we were hit with an unexpected turn of events. 

There was a question whether I was not tolerating the antibiotic anymore because I had had a lot of pain and a bad headache during the treatment the night before but we had all agreed that I would try a night or two more and if it was just a one night thing I would stick out the rest of the 28 day treatment and if it continued I would let him know. 

But as we were about to leave we asked about my lab work and so when he came back from checking it he said that my white blood cell count had dropped more then 1.5 points to being critically low and my neutrophils were also critical which meant I was in fact showing an intolerance to the medicine and needed to stop the antibiotics due to the severe done marrow suppression that was occurring. 

Was it the right decision to pull the PICC and abort the meds? Should we have tried a different med? Basically we could only go with what the dr was urgently telling us at that time. We didn’t even have time to think. And while Danny and I were praying last night I realized that part of this new phase in the story is to trust that God has a plan. 

That if we were suppose to question and suggest different from what the dr was saying, that God would have brought that to our mind. He brought the lab work to my mind enough for me to ask and I believe it was from Him that we remembered that and thus needed to come off the med now after 22 days vs 28 days of treatment. It’s was killing my immune system and bone marrow and this is what I needed at this time. 

I do feel better? I do. I’m not in bed crying from pain, or unable to eat or read or listen to music and just basically lying in bed wanting life to end, however do I feel great … No I don’t. But I feel better and it simply may take more time but in that time my symptoms may come back. We don’t know. But now more then ever I need to fight. 

I need to keep eating right and laying low and letting others help me and my family and giving myself grace and leaning in and trusting, oh start trusting the Lord so much now more then ever before. 

I need to step up to the plate and start letting God do His thing. Living life unafraid and trusting in Him and Him alone. Not meds or doctors detox baths or detox teas or dry skin brushing or gluten free or dairy free or sugar free diets. Nope just Him!! 

So pray for my ability to live unafraid and trust in Him right now. Please. And for my rock as well. He is worthy of so much more then simple words, the way he has loved me and just done so much through all this and he, we need guidance and prayer for what’s next. 

I found this translation of Habakkuk 3:19 and I just love it!! It was a whisper to be encouraged by this morning and I had to share. 

 

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