you are not my own … 

Dear body … 

Body, I’m sorry I have treated you bad for so many years. Shaming you … Embarrassed by you … Starving you … Over working you … Putting poison into you. Even when I treated you well I never enjoyed you, always working to be fitter or skinnier or fix this or that. Even when there wasn’t anything to fix I found it. 

The shaming was probably the worst. Only seeing you for what you weren’t. How you failed me, how you weren’t good enough. Looking in the mirror and seeing you for what you weren’t or what you used to be. How can we be so sick in to letting our mind, which is part of our body, letting our mind destroy the thing that keeps us living? 

But we do…I look in the mirror and see when I used to be 198lbs and then stopped weighing myself and I remember not the decisions that brought me to that weight but that my body must have failed me. And then no matter how hard we worked to get fit, get healthy I always saw you as the 198lb body that had to hate me and that’s why she can eat ice cream and I can’t or she can never do exercise and not gain weight but I can’t. So instead of helping you, I starved you and expected that to help me. I expected that to magically help my eyes see what I wanted and not what I once was. I never let you, no matter how hard you tried to prove you were different, I never let myself see past the 198 number. 

And so I went from feeding you poison to feeding you barely anything at all expecting that to help you get me where I wanted you to be. And of course that didn’t help you or my mind. 

But eventually I got my mind and heart some help. We talked things out and seeked the Lord and things started getting better. We liked each other. We went on long runs. And started training all of you, the whole thing and I started feeding you good healthy body thriving things and liked it. You helped me not crave the bad stuff anymore. You helped me and my mind and my heart begin to feel better then we all have ever felt before. We enjoyed each other for what we were at that time, not what we might become and not what we once were. 

But then one day that was all over. You began to fail me. I did t recognize you anymore. The things I was feeling and the things you were doing were far from what I was used to. Rest didn’t help. Meds didn’t help. Prayer didn’t help. And the hard part is that you look fine. I can put makeup on you and no one knows the pain we are in or the stumbling blocks we endure daily or the ways we try to fix you but fail. Body you are strong, you and I can beat this but I need you to fight. I can’t do this alone. My mind and heart need you. I know we have turned against you lately but I promise to keep the faith in you if you keep fighting. I will do my best to continue to feed you only good things. I will do my best to keep my mind from calling you a failure, from saying if your body is gonna have you enduring this pain everyday then what’s the point in continuing, I will do my best to love you with all my heart. 

I know that all that being said we can’t move past this single solitary moment unless we begin to lay it all down, out on the floor, face down and arms up at the feet of our Lord. And I’m gonna do my best, try my very hardest and not give up to do that with yours and my mind and my hearts help. 

We must stay strong for each other and in that we will see Gods beauty. It’s hard I know. The pain and struggle and enemy work hard to rid us of His beauty but together, with the Lords help we can do it together. We must come together with the Lord to get through this next week. Together is the only way. You are my God given vessel to be able to enjoy life and that’s what I want to start doing again.

This is a invisible illness and that makes life harder but we must convince ourselves that even though it’s harder it’s still worth it. It’s worth it. It’s worth the fight. I will stop thinking of how I used to run and hug my hubby without pain, I will stop thinking how I wish you could do this or that or why can’t I have the strength or energy I once had, I will try to seriously stop resenting the fact that now I can’t even have a glass of wine or any sugar or gluten or coffee or dairy, I will stop repenting and I will begin to embrace those things as ways to help you feel better and not let them defeat me. I will give it all to the Lord and allow him to strengthen us. All of it. I’ve got to give it to Him in order for this to work. I was bought at a price … And i should remember that and honor God with my body. Remembering how in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 it says “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” 

And it won’t be easy to remember or to do…remember the enemy will make sure of that so on those days that I struggle, cause I will, will you try so very hard to give me a glimmer of hope? Maybe a day when my hubby rubs my back let it not hurt? When he kisses me help me to kiss him back like he deserves and like I so desperately want to be able to. Or on a day lulu is all over the place here and there help me to not get a headache but to celebrate her never ending joy and energy? Or a day Hunter is having a hard time with homework let me keep my cool and be patient instead of losing it and making him feel like he is overwhelming me? 

I don’t need a lot, just a little to keep me going. We need a lot of Jesus and I have not nearly turned to him enough this week. We will do that together. We can do this together. We will fight together. And I will fight to love you on a way that honors the Lord. Because one day we will all be in heaven glorifying the Lord in a new and able body! “That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day” 2 Corinthians 4:16 

Love, 

Me 

Y’all God has broken me of so many idols along this invisible illness journey … Not wearing makeup everyday … Having dirty hair … Not having the perfect handwriting or stressing out like crazy if we aren’t to church on time … That’s a whole nother post there are so many but not being able to workout was a big huge totally and completely an idol of mine. Never would I go a day without doing something strenuous. And if I missed a workout the enemy ate me alive in my mind about it. Then God began working away my idol ity of having to workout to feel confident or be satisfied with myself. And I was at a point of enjoying it again because it felt good and I was able and thankful to be able. But then it was taken away from me completely and It’s led me…he’s led me to dig deeper and remove that idol even more beginning to see that the only only only thing I can depend on in my life is the Lord. I’ve gotta a lot of work, the work is never done, the enemy knows me too well but faith over fear wins every time. We must fight for our faith even if we barely have a bark left. Keep up the fight. 

As I write this I know tomorrow and even today I will struggle but I’m gonna fight to keep giving myself and my body grace. 

Im praying for your fight … And for the grace you give yourself and your body. I’m praying this post inspires you to begin to maybe change the way you view your hand pick, hand made, God given vessel we call our body. And it causes you to reflect on where your placing your dependency on things … Are they on the things of this world? Or are they on the one true and loving God? 

  We must keep our eye on the joy coming and not the pain of now. It’s the only way to keep fighting. So like it says in the John Piper commentary in though you slay me … 

“Therefore, therefore, do not lose heart. But take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourself every morning. Get alone with God and preach his word into your mind until your heart sings with confidence that you are new and cared for.” 
The truths he’s talking about is how the sorrows and trails and sufferings of this world are not meaningless … Don’t say in the midst of those things…  “That’s meaningless!” It’s not. It’s working for you an eternal weight of glory” 

Above is the whole song Though You Slay me by Shane and Shane and message with in it by John Piper. 

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2 thoughts on “you are not my own … 

  1. This is a beautiful post Andrea. Praying that you will continue to accept God’s grace, which is sufficient. May God continue to bless and strengthen you. Be blessed. Tricia

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