And as I reflect on it I’m not sure why I was surprised … why either of us, Danny or I were surprised. It’s been a hellish month of treatment.
A month of putting on a brave face when I need to but really just collapsing in my hubbys arms any chance I get. A month of all or nothing sleep … migraines or constant dull ache headaches … bone and joint and muscle pain … fatigue and depression and little motivation or drive and just not having an ounce of energy to even admit that’s truly how I’m feeling to anyone else but my hubby.
I just want to be fun. I want to be like oh I’m kinda tired today I’m gonna have an extra cup of coffee and keep chugging away at this day of getting things done and loving life. I want to love life. I want to be silly and spontaneous and stay up late and and and all that fun stuff I used to be able to do.
But all those things are gone for now so I need to move forward. I need to work to give all this freakin ish over to the Lord and rest in Him. It’s so hard though y’all. I get weary. My hubby gets weary. My family gets weary.
I think that may be the worst. The weariness. Because then you start letting little things in. Little “your never gonna get better” things. Little “your alone and no one understands or cares or really wants to hear how your really feeling … ain’t no one got time for that so just say good or fine” things.
It’s just hard y’all. I’ve tried to write you a little something since yesterday. It’s been two months since I’ve written last and every time I go to write I hear this little “you have nothing to say” or “no one cares” or you name it I hear it. And it’s not the truth I see that sometimes but those voices they are so persistent aren’t they? So isolating and deflating and convincing.
But friends I’m fighting. I say all this to say I am fighting. And I’m gonna keep fighting. You keep fighting too ok? I’m praying for you all of you will you pray for me?
Lyme is awful it’s confusing and it sucks and it hurts you and the ones around you and it will suck every last ounce of being out of you if you let it … so will the rest of the world and its diseases if you let it but let’s not let it. Wouldn’t the enemy just love that … if we let it suck us dry mentally physically emotionally everythingally? I’m gonna try hard not to let it. I’m gonna hold on to a single strand of hope. His hope. Hope in Him. Everyday will be hard … everyday will be different and it won’t be easy the enemy will make sure of that but it will be worth it. You are worth it. I am worth it. He, our Father has already proven that by taking up the cross for every last one of us.
I’ll post a lyme plan update soon. Maybe early next week, I haven’t done one in a little while. I just really wanted to post a little something maybe to encourage you and let you know your not alone.
Danny looked at me yesterday through my teary eyes and said … I see you fighting Andrea but your losing hope … don’t lose hope. And he’s right. I can never lose hope because my hope is rooted in the one who loves me more then I could ever comprehend. The one who bore a cross of pain so that one day my pain would end and it wouldn’t even be a memory. My hope is on Him and Him alone. Not things of this world … meds or diagnoses or anything. Him and Him alone.